A Tripartite Tribute to George Steinbrenner, by Patrick Walsh

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Patrick Walsh is a Princeton, New Jersey, based baseball writer, enthusiast, and historian, who's work has been published the world over in publications like the CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR, BARROW STREET, and the HUDSON REVIEW, among others. He is also a life-long runner that has run dozens of marathons, including nine consecutive Boston Marathons dating back to 2002. His work will be featured here from time to time. You can find his work on his website, which is linked here. This work is reprinted with Patrick's kind permission.]


Catholic Church Considers Beatifying Steinbrenner

VATICAN, ROME: In somewhat unusual circumstances, the Catholic Church, under pressure from its dioceses in the greater New York area, is considering beatifying the late George Steinbrenner, deceased owner of the New York Yankees. Beatification is the first step in canonization, or the process of making a person a saint.

Father Federico Esposito, a Vatican spokesman, said, "It's unbelievable how many petitions and requests we've received from Yankees fans, especially from your states of New York, New Jersey, and Florida. All the supplicants say that Mr. Steinbrenner was such a great man for making their team a winner after spending so much time in Purgatory."

If Steinbrenner is beatified, he will be under the gun to be responsible for three verifiable miracles. Vatican spokesman Esposito has already stated that so-called miraculous comebacks, including wild-card runs and walk-off home runs will not be considered attributable to "The Boss."

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Great Moments in the Life of The Boss: #17, the Smoke-filled Room, 1985

Picture the scene: all 26 Major League owners as well as the two league presidents and the commissioner are sitting around a big table, cigars firmly lodged in their well-jowled jaws. The topic is collusion.

The owners, infuriated with having to pay market prices for talent since 1974, have decided to put an end to free agency. They're going to form a conspiracy whereby all parties agree that when a player becomes eligible for free-agency, no one will buy his services; said player will have to go back to his original team and settle for what they offer him. All the owners clamor for the good-old, parsimonious days of the reserve clause, when things were done properly and players were the property and chattel of the clubs that owned them. All the owners salivate at the idea of making Baseball a plantation system again. All but one, that is: George Steinbrenner....

Cardinals owner, August Busch: "Damn it, George, the Cardinals are the Yankees of the National League! We know what it means to win a World Series too, you know. But we can't let these players and that pinko labor lawyer Miller tell us what to do. You've got to go along!”

Steinbrenner: "Why should me and my Yankees suffer just because you guys are a bunch of skinflints?"

Brewers owner, Bud Selig: "George, I'm just a used cars salesman from Wisconsin, I don't have those deep pockets that you got."

Phillies owner, Bill Giles: "Yeah George, we can't all eat at Delmonico's with silver spoons and finger bowls. You think I like having to pass on the talent? My team's won one--just one--World Series in its entire history."

Steinbrenner: "How is that my fault, Bill? Heck, you just won the Series 5 years ago. You should be happy now. That's enough for a second-rate city like Philly."

[A tussle threatens.]

Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: "Order! Order I say!"

[Order is restored.]

Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: "Now gentlemen, this item on the agenda can't be passed by a simple majority. Each and every one of you must agree to refuse to buy anyone's free agent when that player becomes available. We all have to agree to it in order to break the backs of the labor union. That includes you, George, and your Yankees."

Steinbrenner: "Alright, I'll agree, but I do so under protest! Who ever heard of the most capitalist of organizations--Major League Baseball--refusing to follow the dictates of a free market?"

Commissioner Peter Ueberroth: "Be that as it may, we all agree. Now, don't breathe a word of what’s been said in this room to anyone. Ever!"

[Cigars are extinguished. Collusion begins.]

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George Steinbrenner: The Legacy That Might Have Been

Most of you are too young or too flush with recent Yankees triumphs to remember when George Steinbrenner was a villain and his team a losing concern. Well, it was a period from 1979 to 1995. A fairly long time to hold your breath, bugs. True, the Yankees went to the Series in 1981, but Mike Scioscia--ever the Yankee spoiler--and the Dodgers beat them in 6. Thereafter, the Yankees simply stunk for over a decade, despite all the king's horses and all the king's Benjamins.

The 1980s is the only decade the Yankees didn't win a World Series. Why? Quite simple: George Steinbrenner. Here's a man who took a championship franchise and methodically banjaxed it through impatience, meddling, and overbearing boorishness. Granted, it must've pained his spendthrift heart to go along with all the other owners in collusion from 1985 to 1987. But what about those other years that Steinbrenner let his wealth flow with reckless abandon, scooping up one high-priced mercenary after another? The answer: nada.

Only when the Yankees abandoned the quick-fix, throw-money-at-it approach and returned to fielding the core of the team from their farm system, i.e. Jeter, Rivera, Pettitte, Posada, and Bernie Williams, did they return to the World Series and craft a dynasty.

So after the teary-eyed encomiums and nostalgic tributes are over, maybe some Yankees fans will have an annoying question gnawing at them: how many titles could we have won?

Well, it's quite possible that the Yankees might've won 10, 12, maybe even 15 World Series in the same span as King George's reign if a different owner with the same money, less bombast, and more baseball sense had been running the Empire.

Or if The Boss had agreed to have his ego lobotomized.

PDW